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FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SWELL

I have an embarrassing confession – Last night in bed with my wife, I was extremely fast on the draw. How fast? My wife said, “I think you just broke Rick Pitino’s record.” Ouch!

She wasn’t referring to any Big East road win streak, or sales of self-help books. It was Pitino’s confession last year in court, during his extortion lawsuit against a woman whom he had been involved in an affair with, that the Louisville Cardinals head basketball coach testified under cross-examination that their sexual encounter lasted “no more than 15 seconds”.

It’s difficult for me to write about this. I owe much gratitude to Rick Pitino for what he did for the Commonwealth. He took a job that nobody in their right mind would have taken, and brought the University of Kentucky’s basketball program back from the brink of death. I’m also not interested in giving lectures. However…..

I am fascinated by the often over-looked small details in tragedies –The little innocuous decisions that people make while circling the drain. For instance, last summer when Terry Jones, pastor of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, and his cohorts were preparing to burn 200 Qurans, why wasn’t anyone questioning the quantity of holy books that they had chosen to go Ray Bradbury on? 200 books won’t even get you small mound of kindling. I would think the number 1000 is the minimum amount of books needed, if you really want to make a statement.

Personally, if life had cast me as a delusional xenophobic patriot pastor, I would have suggested a number that has a bit of history to it, like 666. That would have really driven the point across. But that’s just me – Mr. Show Business!

So, when I heard that they planned to burn that pathetic number of Qurans, I began to ask questions: Was this small town church without sufficient funds to purchase a bonfire worthy quantity of books? Did the local Mosque bookstore/gift shop only have 200 copies for sale? Did the church receive a discount for purchasing 200? Does the number 200 have any significance in the bible? Would 300 Qurans made anymore of an impression? At $6.99 (current Amazon.com price for a low budget Quran), 200 copies would have been a $1398 purchase on line. Does that qualify for free shipping?

Its those kind of things that keep me awake at night. Rick Pitino’s embarrassing confession, even more so. What was he thinking when he said that?

I would figure, that during that moment in court, there wasn’t too much that Pitino could say on the witness stand that could salvage his reputation, marriage, or pride. I must assume that his job was also in jeopardy, and he realized that book deals and TV commercials were now a thing of the past.

So, why embarrass yourself further by admitting that you blew it all (no intended pun) for a sexual encounter that last less than 15 seconds? Why not at the very least, lie your ass off about the duration? I see it this way: The only salvageable aspect of his reputation would be the sexual part. What better way to let the world know that you still got game, than bragging about yourself to a courtroom full of reporters? I say, go for it on the witness stand and let them know that even though you’re no longer a Diaper Dandy, you can still take it to the rack (again, no intended pun).

Maybe I missed some vital information when I perused Pitino’s self-help book, “Success is a Choice”. I wonder if it’s my fault for reading it in the bathroom, where sometimes I lose focus, with the fan going, the fumes and the grunting. I feel like I missed an important lesson about being humble and honest, because if it had been me up there during that Cardinal red letter witch hunt, I would have grinned a sheepish grin, and broken off this bit of dialogue for the sea of newspaper reporters and lawyers before me….

“Well, if you must know…. The encounter lasted just over of two hours, thirty-five minutes and took place on three different tables, the maitre-D stand, a bar stool, in the parking lot, and for a brief moment, inside the restaurant’s extensive walk-in freezer. I keep very specific records of all my sexual conquests, and for duration, this one ranks among my personal top 20. What’s that you say? Why yes, I do know rock-n-Roll icon Sting, formally of the Police, and now a tantric sex guru. How did you guess?”

Rick Pitino’s books are not as expensive as they used to be. In fact, Amazon has slashed their prices to the point where they are now comparable to a paperback edition of the Quran. I’m going to contact the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, and suggest that they return the un-torched Qurans, (do Mosque bookstores have easy return policies?) and use the money to purchase 666 copies of Coach Pitino’s “Lead to Succeed – 10 Traits of Great Leadership in Life”. They’re in Gainesville after all, and I’m sure they’d jump at the chance to burn anything remotely connected to Kentucky.

Remember back when the SEC was great in Basketball and Nolan Richardson’s Arkansas teams battled Pitino’s Wildcats for supremacy on the national stage? The Razorback’s defense was so relentless, that it was given the name, Forty Minutes of Hell. My wife has a new name for my sexual prowess, and I suppose that the name also applies to Rick Pitino – Fifteen Seconds of Swell.

Booby C Sportbook Comentator

THINKING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL (and David Lee Roth)

I was hanging out across the lake with my friend Henry.  He’s a Steelers guy.  I know this because it says so on the metal Pittsburgh Steelers street sign that he nailed to the side of his shed.  I also know, because he keeps telling me every five minutes that he’s a life-long fan.

Henry has converted a small garage behind his house into any guy’s dream den with all the standard guy necessities: A beer stocked refrigerator, satellite TV, walls plastered with posters of girls holding power tools, shelves with rows of collectable beer cans, and lots of taxidermy.  It has a large barn door that opens, so that you can sit and watch the sun go down over the lake while the game is on.  The openness allows the South Florida breeze to heighten my buzz.  However, this place is also filled with lots of yellow and black stuff,which for me is a buzz kill.

Of course, Henry has been talking non-stop about the Super Bowl every time we’re hanging out.  I wanted them to lose for the past two weeks, so he’d stop running his mouth.  Oh how I prayed!

Henry thinks the Steelers vast advantage in Super Bowl experience will be enough for them to win – Makes sense.  How wrapped up in the spectacle will Green Bay’s players be at kick-off?  I think this game is decided in the first 7 minutes.  Packers either keep their nerves in check or lose.

For me however, the most interesting story of this year’s Super Bowl happened four years ago when the Green Bay Packers organization began reaching a decision about what to do with their two talented quarterbacks.  It’s a dream situation for most teams, but at the time, it must have seemed closer to a nightmare for the organization.  The Pack was sitting on a talented kid that both their coaches and players sensed were going to be great, but if they didn’t start playing him, he was going to leave.  Keeping the young quarterback, and allowing him to start, would ensure the franchise a gifted player through the next decade, but at the cost of losing a legendary icon quarterback with a few years of magic left in him.

Imagine being the guy in Green Bay with final say on this.  How would you like to be the person making that decision?  How would you like explaining your logic to the fans?  How do you break the news to your Hall-of-Fame veteran if you let him go?  Can you live with yourself if you allow the young player to get away and he becomes everything you thought he could be, and more?  And what if you’re wrong?  That’s why they pay those guys the big bucks.

It must have been an extraordinarily tough decision at the time, but in hindsight, the very obvious choice for the Pack was to keep the young Aaron Rogers.  Aside from Brett’s hurt feelings, and Green Bay having to endure a couple years of watching their former starter winning big games for another team while their young quarterback worked his way along the learning curve, it was probably was a no-lose situation for the Packers.

Henry can’t pronounce the word Roethlisberger.  Last week, sitting by the lake watching the Steelers vs. Ravens playoff game, he called him Ratlinsberger, Rothensberger, Rogenzberger, Roshinberger, and oddly enough, David Lee Roth after the 5th of Makers Mark was consumed.

I suspect that he may not be a Steeler fan, although he passionately denies it, and will sling names around such as Bradshaw, Steel Curtain, and Lynn Swann, just to prove it.   My main piece of evidence is solid:  Suspiciously, Henry has no clue who Cordell Stewart was.   Hmmmmm.  I may be onto something.


Homeland Secretary

Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano has announced that the much maligned color-code threat level, formally called the Homeland Security Advisory System, will be replaced.

The true reason that the color-coded terrorism threat level system has been kicked to the curb has nothing to do with the failed ambiance of safety that it was intended to blanket us with.  Nor the obvious fact that it was always too ambiguous to be digested by the population as a whole, not to mention the anxiety that all this must have created among America’s color blind citizens.

Color Code
It is because they failed to use Martha Stewart Colors.  Who wouldn’t want to wake up to “Atlantic Mist” and “Rubbed Sage” threat levels, or hunker down in the basement with a pillow over your head, contemplating a “Kandahar Cream” situation?

I sure would!

1000 WORDS PICTURE

Obama looks terrified of Chinese president Hu.  I bet they frame this picture in Beijing, and give it a position of prominence in every Chinese textbook.  Wouldn’t it make a nice Gong-bi painting?  As much as it sums up a bad situation, my current mental state, best described as blind euphoria, leads me to the following alternative interpretation of this moment in history…..

Chinese President Hu has just called Barrack’s homer bluff, and asked him if he’d care to “make things interesting by wagering a few billion on the Packers – Bears game”.  The Homer-in-Chief, Barrack Obama has been running his mouth all week, prognosticating that his hometown team will win by 3.

Looks like B.O. doesn’t want to put his (our) billions where his mouth is.  Or maybe he just can’t come up with the cash. :(

Booby C Sportbook Comentator

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AN IGNORER OF CANCER PATIENTS OR JUST IN A HURRY?

While not exactly on the same level as texting an image of your Packer package to a staff member, Aaron Roger’s is now being labeled an ignorer of cancer patients. He walked right past a lady decked out in pink breast cancer apparel, who asked him for an autograph. You watch the video and decide….Click Here

Booby C Sportbook Comentator

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PACKERS AT CHICAGO – THE BERENSTAIN BEARS

When will the NFL do something about the hideous Packer uniforms?  They look as if they were designed by a color-blind lumberjack with a severe concussion.

And since I’ve got you thinking about woodsmen, how long has it been since you read one of those Berenstain Bears children books?  It’s a series featuring a family of Grizzly Bears: Papa, Mama, Brother, Sister and later in the series, when ratings began sagging and the two siblings ceased being cute, a new born baby girl bear came into the picture.  Papa Bear cut down trees to make furniture for the house, and wore a flannel shirt with overalls.  Judging from his outfits, and his corncob pipe routine, I could easily see him picking yellow and green for team colors.

When my kids where younger, I spent many nights reading books to them.  Sometimes the books are really well thought out.  The Berenstain Bears books are not.

Here’s the lowdown…. Papa Bear’s a lumberjack and the family lives inside a knotted old tree sporting Victorian windows.  The first thing that bothers me about this series of books are the cliché kid behavior and morality lessons that each book has – such as not eating junk food, playing fair, or lying.  I don’t want my kids learning about the evils of sugar from a bunch of honey addicted cartoon characters.  How about a lesson about not breaking into homes (bee hives) and stealing food.  Miraculously, the Bears never get stung.

The second thing is the strange discrepancy of the technology levels that these upright walking Bears have.  The inside of the Bear’s tree house is 1880’s western settler – heavy on the wood and giant nails.  There are no electrical appliances or plastic things.  However, the Bears have a car, drive to a modern shopping mall, and frequent their family doctor’s clinic, which features an x-ray machine.  Wtf?

In the Berenstain Bear world, the sciences and industries that create household technology are lagging 100 years behind everything else.  It is bizarre world in which a Laura Ingles Wilder heroine could churn butter by the fireplace all day, before driving her convertible sports car across town to shop at Bed Bath & Conestoga.  Of course, she’d get eaten by one of the giant Grizzlies working at BB&C.  A bear is a bear, after all.  Even if his name-tag says Dylan – Team Member.

The Chicago Bears should put an image of a mad Papa Berenstain Bear on their helmet.   That lame “C “ decal on there may have seemed like a brilliant design idea way back when, but Chicago needs an image of a cool predator on their helmet like the Jaguars, Lions, and Seahawks have.  But not too cool.  This is Chicago – a city that likes to pretend that its down to earth.

An angry Papa Bear with a couple of crossed axes is what I’m seeing.

They will need that ferocious Bear image when they play host to their division foes for a shot at the Superbowl.  The Packers will not be intimidated by the Chicago weather, nor the Bears.  I have a hunch that this week’s Aaron Rogers performance might be one to remember.  I hope it snows, and despite the fact that I will have to endure another week of looking at those ugly uniforms in the Superbowl, I believe the Packers will win by a touchdown.

Booby C Sportbook Comentator

NFL PLAYOFFS

NFL PLAYOFFS

There are moments in life, in which we sit back and say, “I can’t believe that just happened and I’m so lucky to have just experienced it.” Last night, for example, I said something like that after seeing my wife dressed up in bed as the Esurance girl. Not bragging, mind you, just giving an example :/

This weekend, there are four possible moments in which we could collectively sit back and say that. It is for great moments like these that we watch sports, and I shop at Hustler Hollywood.

NY Jets at New England Patriots
What’s with the Jets taking shots at Brady? The Patriots smacked them around a couple weeks back, and now, with the daunting task of trying to defeat a team on the road that has enjoyed an additional week to get healthy, Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie and coach Rex Ryan are verbally agitating a team that is already a rival, into a state of mind that is dangerous.

At some point late in the fourth quarter, you may find yourself saying, “Wow, I have never in my life seen an ass kicking this nasty. I should turn off the TV because this is starting to make me nauseous.”

Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears
This might be the year in which you witness the only sub-500 team in history (except for the NHL where everybody makes the playoffs) go on a run and win a championship. Seattle could very well accomplish this. Especially with Matt Hasselbeck now forgetting how to turn the ball over.

At some point late in this one, you may find yourself uttering, “Well, I’ll be a USC illegal benefits donor! This crappy team from Seattle is gonna go all the way!”

Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons
“Brett Who?” That’s all you’ll be saying before halftime. About an hour later, you’ll be checking TMZ for “alleged” photos of Aaron Roger’s genitals. But it won’t happen – that’s not how Aaron rolls.

BTW, I knew Brett Favre was finished when I watched those Wrangler Jeans commercials. You know the ones – Brett’s parked his pick-up truck in some meadow, and he’s playing a game of football with a bunch of blue jean models dressed up like agriculture enthusiasts. Ever notice the throw he makes to his buddy over the middle who dives for the ball? Brett’s crappy toss lays the poor guy out and exposes his body to a potential hit. That’s how you get your teammate’s ribs broken. The commercial would be much more interesting if they were all sitting around taking pictures of their privates and sending them to the hot check-out girls working at the local Walmart. Until then, I’m gonna stick to Levis.

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburg Steelers
This is going to be fun. In fact, this could be one of the great games of all time. Two division rivals at the top of their games, slugging it out in cold snowy weather. Baltimore is on a mission now. They have found their talisman in the form of Ed Reed’s tragic family death, and its all the edge they need.

With less than a minute to go, with your eyes popping out of your head as Ray Lewis hits Ben Roethlisberger so hard his helmet cracks, you may very well shout “Its All About The U”.

So, does anybody know where I can get a Miami Hurricane’s cheerleader outfit for my wife?

Booby C Sportbook Comentator

Sportsbook.com free christmas bet

Sportsbook.com is giving its players a free Christmas present this weekend.  Enter the $100,000 College Bowl Challenge on December 25th, and Sportsbook.com will refund your entry by giving you a free bet for the same amount.  Entry is only $25, with a chance of winning $100,000 back.

Simply login to your account and choose the College Bowl Challenge.  You will be credited with $25 instantly upon making your picks.

Place a bet on College Football. Click now!

Arsenal vs. Chelsea

This game is a real Premier League classic and you need to compare and contrast the two team’s recent form before you bet on the result.

Arsenal have 31 points and they are 2nd in the English League. From their last 5 games they have won 3 and lost 2.During these matches they scored 9 goals and got 7. So their forwards are in pretty good form, but their defenders are not. On their last match, against Manchester United, Arsenal played very well, however because of their defenders they lost. If their coach could find the solution for this problem, then Arsenal have a big chance to beat Chelsea.

Chelsea have 31 points and they are 4th in the English League. Their recent form is awful because from their last 5 games they have won only 1, lost 1 and tied 3. This is not that bad, but they scored 5 goals and got 5. They clearly have more problems with their forwards than with their defenders. In fact, I think that Chelsea’s defenders are the best in the league. However with only defense they can’t win a game. Chelsea’s coach must motivate their forwards somehow. If he could do this, then Chelsea have a chance to win.

According to sportsbook.com, Arsenal have a little bit bigger chance to win. The odds are the following: Arsenal victory: 2.55; tie: 3.20; Chelsea victory: 2.65.

I think this match is going to be really interesting because both teams are so different. Arsenal play great attacking soccer and Chelsea play equally great defending. My tip would be 2-1, so it’s an Arsenal victory.
I would also bet on that the game’s total score is going to be over 2. The odd for this is 1.85.

You could play these two tips in parlay for a bigger prize. A combination bet of these two tips would pay 2.55X1.85=4.71. So if you pay $10, you could easily win $47.17!

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