Within 20 years, there will be a television show featuring an Australian man running around in the wilderness, enthusiastically stalking large animals with the sole purpose of checking out their private parts.

The show will be called Monster Cock Stalker Unchained, and will go a little something like this: Dressed in the mandatory safari shirt, hat and pants, a blond host will crawl up to a herd of large animals, then look back at the camera and say with an over-the-top Oz accent, “I’m gonna sneak up to one of the larger bulls and tryin’ get him aroused so we can take a looook!”

Then, he’ll run at the animals, wrestle one to the ground and tell it, “Easy mate, not gonna hurt ya, ol’ boy – just wanna take a looook-see at your wanker.”

America has a perpetual craving for Australian guys groping wild animals for entertainment. It started with Crocodile Dundee, who charmed us with his “shrimp on the barbie” talk. Then came Steve Irwin, whose abundant enthusiasm for harassing animals created the Crocodile Hunter cult. But we became bored with Steve wrestling everything on four legs to the ground, so he turned his attention to the water, but was killed by a stingray. America needed a new animal stalker, not only to reinvigoarated our lust for Aussie dudes bothering wild animals, but to give us a measured level of revenge against these menacing aquatic killers. Take that, you stingray bastards!

Enter Jeremy Wade, a cross between Rutger Hower and Udo Dirkschneider with a nervous eye twitch, who in each episode of River Monsters, takes us to exotic locations as he performs an audacious catch-and release of aquatic species. These mysterious creatures aren’t really monsters in the Loch Ness sense of word, as I soon found out. My redneck neighbors call them catfish.

Moments before settling in to watch Jeremy cast his monster bait into the murky waters of some third-world river, my attention had been waylaid by a startling relevation: There is now a shop-at-home TV channel selling women’s sex toys.

I stumbled across this gem on a non-porn channel, in the area of cable reserved for Hollywood gossip, cooking shows, and teenage vampire softcore. There were two young women in chairs, carrassing vibrators and telling the viewers that a devise called Purple Pleasure will make them feel magical. A clock in the lower left corner counted down what was either how long I had to buy it, or finish masterbating.

It wasn’t that long ago, that a woman stroking an object even remotely phallic, would not have been allowed on TV. Maybe it was the erection I was getting, or that unique delerium that you get at 2am, but I could swear I felt the entire country begin circling the drain. I decided to hit the remote and surf out of there.

That’s when I crashed onto the beach of Mr. Jeremy Wade – Fish Stalker. In this waste of half an hour of my life, Jeremy was in a boat, trying to uncover the mystery of a monster that “the locals” claimed eats children. Luckily for them, a goofy, short white dude with a fishing rod and a camera crew showed up to save the villiage. After all the build-up, and moments before the show was about to end, the great white hunter caught….. a catfish? Disappointed, I hit the return button on my control, hoping to find a great buy on butt-plugs.

America’s bored with this nonsense. Wildlife is best admired from a distance, where it retains a sense of mystery, dignity, and danger. The downside of these hands-on nature shows is that they’ve eliminated those aspects, turning our planet’s beasts into stupid, yet lovable spectacles. When you see an Australian clown playing around with a massive predator and it doesn’t eat him, the thrill is gone.

So, where are we to go from here? We’re bored with crocs and catfish. We’ve seen them all…… but we haven’t seen their Purple Passions!

We’re close now America – real close. The USA is picking up momentum as the culture circles the drain. In no time at all, full frontal nudity will be prevalent during primetime. They’ll be fornicating on Star Trek Deeper Space 9 before you can say, “Captain Kirk Junior’s beamin’ that Romulan chick ALL the way up”.

Of course, nature shows will follow suit – and you will watch. You know that you will, because it’s the shock of the new that keeps you tuned in, and for all of you who’ve never been to Bangkok, the sight of an Australian dude grasping a dingo’s member and saying, “Wowie Zowie mate! Look at the beautiful color variations around the gooch.” is something you will not want to miss.